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Saturday, September 15th, 2001
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5:17 pm - i saw him yesterday
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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2:31 pm - big black hole
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my mom told me she thought i had depression today. she said it in a way that made me feel like maybe she was just telling me that to force me to cheer up. doesnt she know i cant do that. i can only act cheerful. i thought it was ok to drop the charade inside the safety of my own home. i act for everyone else, so mwhy should i have to do it for my family that is supposed to love me unconditionally? i guess that plan back fired though and i will have to paste in the plastic smile for everyone again. although i dont believe anyone really reads anything i write here, because the web is so big, i wish i could put some of my real writing on here. my soul is in those words. but i cant end up like kady. someone stole her words, her soul, and published them as their own. i would die if someone did that to me. that keeps me alive. i sound so desperate here. i'm not really like that. or perhaps i am and i've been pretending for so long that i dont know myself anymore. i used to be happy. really. i was reading some of my old stuff today and i used to write about lovers, and sunrises, and miracles. now i write about tragic departures, love that isnt strong enough, blades and scars, suicide, my lost identity. i used to be happy. really. someone asked me the other day, how i broke through my depression the first time but i couldnt remember. now i do. it was the same reason i fell back into depression. (if u can even call it that, because "i dont have a problem") i fell in love. for the first time. the most powerful thing i have felt for such a long time it scared me. i loved him so much i smiled just smelling something that reminded me of him. then it ended and i still felt strongly. only now it was pain. and longing. and envy. and despair. i still believed that it was better than the dead feeling i had before. before him. i was so close to dead, i didnt even know the difference. he helped me live instead of just survive. at least i'm surviving now, even if i'm not living. i'm not dead. sometimes i wonder if i really am though. i want to know if my blood would really flow if i cut myself. if i can still laugh because i'm happy, not because its expected and i dont want people to worry. like i said, i dont have a problem.
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2001
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1:53 pm - sorrowful me
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sarah's leaving me.... ryan didnt break up with his girlfriend........ i need to go turn on the shower so no one can hear me cry
the world is screwed up. seriously. and even sean is getting messed up body issues. whats wrong with everyone??? i wish sarah would call. i am gonna miss her so much back in germany. she's the best. i love u sarah!
god, i wish ryan would call. even more than sarah. cuz i could call her anytime..... i dont have the guts to call him... what would i say i was calling for? geez and i thought i was over him...... i need to get a grip. i need alicia... i need help... i need a brain instead of a heart.... no i need to die, cuz hes so smart he'd still win me over... die die die
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| Sunday, June 24th, 2001
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8:22 am - SCHOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER!!!!!! =)
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I can hardly believe how much change has happened in me, in my friends, in everything, since last year...... High school is a place of many changes. it frightens and excites me. 3 more finals, and i'm done. wowza.
for alex-you're great, dont change, and wash your sweatshirt once in a while.
for nick-look up and smile sometimes,and i DO like your hair!
for ryan- geez i loved you, i hope your gf is all u think she is, other than problems, and i'll probably always love you at one time or another, for no reason at all. and i loved the labyrinth.
for lexie-i'm gonna miss you so much! but we'll be ok. both of us r gonna be ok.....
for maureen- dont be too wild, dont do anything i wouldn't do, and try to take a few minutes just to breathe you know?
for alicia-you're the best! dont worry about what people think, u know what i'm talking about, and thanks for all the help this year, even though u prolly dont realize the help u've given me.
for stephanie s-stay close! i luv ya
for mel-twins forever! dont eat too much ice cream, if u know what i mean, and always be happy in your heart even if the spoon ring isn't on your finger
for the rest of you-i love you, stay in touch and of course, be happy in your heart!
i can't write anymore right now.......but until then....
nutmeg loves you!*
dreams, inconsistant angel things,
some grow up and some grow wings,
but they all fly, fly, fly
we have forgotten
(dont go and let me down)
how it used to be
(i'm starting to like this town)
how it used to be
(do go and shoot me down)
just wanna fly, fly, fly!
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
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8:12 pm - do i believe? do u believe? does anyone?
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I thought i believed in happy endings. where the prince and his girl ride off into the sunset together on a gallant steed. I dont need a horse, or a sunset, or even a prince. but i do hold out for that happy ending. i cant stop myself from hoping until the very last moment that something will happen to change things. to make them happily ever after.
i have fallen for someone. completely. he has a girlfriend who i'm sure is just using him to get to prom. well, maybe not, but she was planning to break up with him, and she doesnt appreciate him like i do. his odd little quirks. his strangely tidy habits, his addiction, his passion, his touch. he likes david bowie, and he actually says the words "orchestrated ballads" and he is the first person i've ever met to actually use the hangers they put on car doors. he tells me he's trying to quit smoking as he lights a stolen cigarette, and i smile at him. i can hardly speak. just smile. and when i get out of his car, he says "have a nice day." everytime we meet and part he tells me: have a nice day. he kills me with his nice days and car hangers. his girlfriend kills me with her "whatever" look and her hand always touching him, when i can't. i kill myself with way my stomach tightens and i want to reach inside myself and twist everything around whenever i see her touching him. or kissing him. which is often.
i only have a small amount of time left to glimpse him, talk to him, touch him, feel him touching my neck. and hurts. to know he'll be going to college here and i still might not see him. i'm not a brave person. very private. i cant think of how to stay in touch. i want him to call me. ask me to talk to him. to meet him so we can be together for awhile.
i'm dropping into that fairy tale mode. i can't help it. thats the effect he has on me. but i wonder is that how love should be? or should i feel more myself than forget myself? i honestly dont know. but i can truly say this is the strongest feeling i've ever had about anyone before. i suppose that's all.
i don't
like to
be alone at night
sitting
inside
the door out to the night
and i,
i can't believe i dont know the stars!
~song by me
current mood:  contemplative
current music: we have forgotten ~ sixpence none the richer
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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9:41 pm - in the beginning there is me
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this IS the beginning. so i suppose you'd like to know who i am. well, i'm a girl who loves music, gets strange urges to burst out singing goofy songs like 'liquered up lacquered down', or run through the wet grass just because. or take a shower just so no one can hear me cry. this is me. partly. i can't completly explain myself, because, well, i don't think i completely know myself. i'm not sure anyone really knows their whole self. maybe when they're 103. but i'm not. not yet. when i'm old, i want to be the crazy lady of the neighborhood, you know, the one all the parents frown on, but the kida are curious about. I'll have a bazillion cats, wear my hair in long pink braided pigtails, drive a Harley, and have odd unidentifiable things laying outside in my yard. Perhaps things that i make my self out of old hubcaps and pop (who says pop? or soda pop? not me!) cans i find in the street..... I write in a real journal, so i don't know if i'll write more in this particular journal or not. basically, i need an outlet. eventually i might put my poetry on here. it pisses me off how some people think they can write when they really can just look up rhymes in a dictionary and make them fit, but not really well. it's not writing. Writing is letting your feelings and thoughts come out onto the page in a way that says what you mean, without trying to make it look more romantic or jazzed up or whatever the hell you are trying to do to make yourself look more like who you arent. For now here's a poem. A real poem. It says what it means, and means what it says, and an elephant keeps his word 100 percent........
Warning by Jenny Joseph ~ i lost the poem for now, but it's about how when she grows old she wants to be wild and spit wear purple and an ugly red hat and get really fat and bang on fences and hoard beer mats and pick flowers from other people's gardens and make up for the sobriety of her youth, but for now she must pay her rent, not curse in the street and set a good example for the children, but maybe she should start now, so that the people who know her aren't so surprised when she is suddenly old and starts to wear purple.
There's actually a Red Hat Society of older women who go out in red hats to hotels and such to "make up for the sobriety of their youth." sounds like a lovely idea to me.
i take a deep breath and a good look around
i put on my pj's and i hop into bed
i'm half alive but i feel mostly dead
i try and tell myself it'll all be alright
i just shouldn't think anymore tonight
~jewel
good night. ~me
current mood:  lethargic
current music: i'm sensitive ~jewel
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